Words that shape: what we say to babies when we say who they are

In 2011, researchers at Stanford University ran a simple experiment before an election in the United States.

One group of people was asked: "How likely are you to vote tomorrow?" Another group was asked something almost identical: "How likely are you to be a voter tomorrow?"

The only difference was one word. One question was about an action. The other was about an identity.

On election day, those who had been invited to "be a voter" voted significantly more than those who had simply been asked to "vote". The study was published in PNAS and became a landmark in behavioural psychology precisely because of this finding: asking for an action is not enough. When a person sees themselves as someone who does that thing, behaviour changes.

We read this study thinking about elections. But it is impossible not to also think about the babies we are with every day at Alora Montessori.

What we say, without meaning to

In daily life with young children, we describe them constantly. "She is messy." "He is difficult." "She is shy."

There is almost never any intention to hurt behind these phrases. Many times they are said with tenderness. But there is a big difference between describing what a child did and saying who a child is.

A baby who did not tidy up the materials today is not, for that reason, an untidy baby. They simply had a difficult moment. They were tired, absorbed in something else, or still learning.

Because learning, for a baby, is this: try, fail, try again.

"Help me to grow, but let me be myself." — Maria Montessori

Helping to grow means, many times, separating what the child did from who the child is.

How this shows up in the atelier

When a baby throws an object for the fifth time in a morning, our response is not about whether the baby is or is not well-behaved. It is about the moment.

Instead of "don't do that", a Guide says "this material is being hard to put away right now" or "you are finding it hard to wait your turn".

It seems like a small difference. But repeated over months, it is one of the most concrete ways we protect the self-esteem and autonomy of each child — two of the pillars of the Montessori method.

From theory to home

This way of speaking does not stay locked inside the atelier. It makes sense at home, in the same difficult moments every family knows.

• Instead of "you are messy""today it was hard to tidy this up"
• Instead of "you are lazy""today it was hard to get started"
• Instead of "you are stubborn""you are standing up for what you want"
• Instead of "you are misbehaving""this is not safe, let us try another way"

None of these phrases pretends nothing happened. All of them describe the moment without deciding, for the child, who they will be tomorrow.

Why this matters more between 12 and 36 months

It is exactly in this phase that children begin to form their first ideas about themselves. Each repeated phrase helps to write that story.

This does not mean giving up limits. A clear limit, held with firmness, is also respect for the child. It simply means being careful that the limit is placed on the behaviour, and never on the identity.

A baby who today had difficulty tidying, sharing, or waiting is still, tomorrow, a baby with all possibilities open.

The words we use, at home and in the atelier, help keep that door open.

Source: Bryan, C. J., Walton, G. M., Rogers, T., & Cohen, G. L. (2011). Motivating voter turnout by invoking the self. PNAS. pnas.org